I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
