come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
