You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
