You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
