When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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