I cannot find my penis.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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