Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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