we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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