oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
