i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
