his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
