i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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