I can't watch pbs sober anymore
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My feet surprised me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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