uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
