i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
