So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
