Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
