judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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