Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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