I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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