Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he thought i was a dude.
Do vagina's smell?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
