I just threw up on my dentist
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
