Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize