it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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