Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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