I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
