we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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