I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
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And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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