While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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