We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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