She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
