she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
