The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
