She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
