Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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