the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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