He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
