I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
