Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
