Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
