I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
