woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
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Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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