OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
