The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
