I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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