he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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