So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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