It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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