at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he was CRYING into my vagina
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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