Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
