i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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