if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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