Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
