The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
