You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
