I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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