These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
