This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
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