wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
