Umm I'm too high to move.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
