I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
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I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made him laugh his dick is mine
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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