My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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